


If Only To Be Near You

by witchesmortuary



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: F/F, Joan just wants Kaz, Joan threatens Marie, Kaz is dead and Joan finds out in season 9, Major character death - Freeform, i guess, what could possibly go wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28172223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchesmortuary/pseuds/witchesmortuary
Summary: Joan finds out that Kaz has been murdered and is told Marie did it, so obviously she finds her and wants answers.She comes to a shocking realization.Set in Season 9.
Relationships: Joan Ferguson/Karen "Kaz" Proctor
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	If Only To Be Near You

**Author's Note:**

> I have once again returned with angst. Isn't that fantastic? I know I love it too. XD  
> This world needs more Jaz fanfiction and I am here to oblige!
> 
> The title is taken from ''My Heart With You'' by The Rescues!

_ “Kaz got her throat slit. It was a mess.” _

Joan couldn't believe that. Surely it was a mistake. Kaz couldn't be dead.

_ ”It was Winter. They keep saying it wasn’t her but they hated each other.” _

Her ears were ringing and her heart racing.  _ It was Winter. _ She didn't want to believe it, Marie was her- her friend. No. She didn’t make friends. She was never good at it and it had never proven to be a smart thing if she even attempted it. Why would now be any different? Because  _ Kath  _ got the woman’s pity?

_Kaz got her throat slit._ She balled her hands into fists and held back her tears. She wasn't going to cry. She had no reason to. She didn't  **care** that Kaz was dead. The woman hadn't cared about her, why should she now?

**Because she did care.**

That was a long time ago. Before she knew everything; before she knew what Joan had tried so hard to hide as to not lose Kaz.

Joan couldn't stop the anger building in her chest, the tightness forming at the mere thought of Marie. She needed to confront her, she needed to know what happened. Just so her mind would stop racing!

**Don’t go too hard. She might shut off. Be careful!**

She just wanted to know. Joan wasn’t even sure how she would react if and when she found out. 

She rushed through the hallways, tears burning in her eyes, and the moment she saw Marie in her cell, her jaw tensed. She marched towards her and slammed her against the nearest brick wall, the blonde’s head hitting the stone. “You..” she hissed out.

Marie’s eyes went wide in shock. “H-Hey Joan. What's going on?” she asked, her hands carefully coming up to push against the grey-haired woman’s hand that was dangerously close to her neck.

The Ex-Governor tightened her hand slightly, her eyes narrowed and her jaw tense. “You killed Kaz. You slid her throat!” The words felt surreal even as she spit them out, she expected Kaz to turn the corner and pull her off the blonde but nothing happened.

**Take it slow. Listen to her. Let her go.**

Her hands faltered around the neck and Joan stepped back.

“I-I didn’t! Please Joan, let me explain. ” Marie begged and it took the grey-haired woman a second to realize that she had in fact let go.

She narrowed her eyes. “Then speak. You have 5 minutes to explain to me why I shouldn't strangle you right fucking now.”

Marie gasped for air and swallowed the lump in her throat down. She wasn't sure how she was going to explain everything while she tried to keep herself in the clear. “I-I didn't do it.” she insisted and swallowed at the scoff that left Joan’s lips. “I swear. I only found out weeks after who did it. It was an officer. I was collecting dirt on a guy and Kaz got involved, I didn't know. I swear. That officer found her in my cell and- and killed her. I was just as shocked as you, you need to believe it!” she explained, tumbling over her words, desperately trying to make Joan believe her.

The Ex-Governor didn't want to believe her. She wanted someone to blame, someone she could hurt. She needed- “You’re lying! I know you are lying!” she hissed out and still felt the tears burning in her eyes.

Marie shook her head. “I’m not. I swear. You can ask Boomer or- Miss Bennett. Anyone. They’re going to tell you the same thing.” she insisted and took a deep breath. “I don’t know how close you were...but Joan you-”

“You don’t know! That's it! Just- Just shut up!” she sneered and slammed her fist into the brick wall, hissing out in pain. It wasn't a good pain, but it was a pain she could deal with, a pain she understood.

The smaller woman flinched away from the hand and then her eyes went wide. “Joan! Your hand!” she exclaimed and out of instinct, went to take the other woman’s hand but Joan pulled away even at the bare motion.

“Stop it! Stop touching me!” she staggered away and aggressively wiped away the single tear that rolled down her cheek.

**What if she’s right? Even if Marie was involved, you couldn't do anything!**

It didn't matter, she wanted someone to blame. Someone to hurt. She swallowed down the hurt and flexed her hands at her sides.

Marie thought about what to do, how to get out of this without getting hurt. “You need to believe me, Joan. I would never have hurt Kaz like that.”

The Ex-Governor looked down and shook her head slightly. “If I...If I found out you were involved in this in whatever way-” she stepped close to Marie again and watched as the smaller woman shrank in on herself, her eyes wide. “-I will kill you without hesitation.” she explained, her voice steady.

**But even if she was involved, it wouldn't bring back Kaz. She wouldn't want you to avenge her like this.**

Joan clenched her jaw and shook her head. It didn't matter. She needed to make it clear if only to soothe her own mind.

Marie nodded quickly. “Of course. I understand you.” she says quickly, hoping she was able to ease Joan and get her to calm down.

The grey-haired woman reaches up and brushes away another tear and turns quickly, hiding the emotions that were so clearly visible on her face. She didn't want to cry over losing Kaz, she had  **betrayed** her, hurt her and yet here she was crying.

**That’s good! Kaz was special, she meant so much. Crying is good.**

It shouldn't be good. She should be mad, livid! She shouldn't be crying because she wouldn't be able to see her again.

Marie, after a moment of consideration, stepped forward. “You loved her, didn't you?” she asked carefully with big eyes. It was obvious to her, she’d seen that look before but somehow she still needed to ask, needed to hear Joan say it

**Loved her** . Joan shook her head. “No!” she responded, her voice harsh and her reaction too late. She didn't love Kaz, why would she love her?

**She cared for you, she was there for you. She loved you too!**

Joan sniffed and bit her lip before shaking her head again. If Kaz had loved her, she would have done something, would have stopped her from being hanged. 

“I cared for her though.” she added quietly after a while. She quickly lifted her head and left the cell in a hurry, trying to get away from Marie, from the memory of Kaz, from her feelings.

In a matter of seconds, she found herself on her bed with her eyes staring at her hands. The final realization hit her. She had no one.

Kaz was dead. Brenda was dead. She was alone.

A ragged sigh escaped her lips and the tears started fully rolling down her cheeks now and she didn't stop them, didn't hold them back.

  
She just wished she had told Kaz that she cared, **loved** , her. If Kaz knew? Joan laid down and stared at the wall, the faint reminder of Kaz leaning over her and hugging her, telling her that **everything** **was going to be okay** in the back of her mind and she buried her face in her hands when she sobbed loudly.  
  


Maybe she did love Kaz and who knows if Kaz loved her back, one thing Joan knew was, she wouldn't be able to change anything and she would never see her again.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are as always appreciated. ♡  
> For more content/contact you can follow me on Twitter which is @/witchesmortuary.


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